The minute the clock struck twelve, I sucked in a breath between my lips. A hint of a whistle slithered between my teeth. Bracing for the next few hours, I held that breath in my stomach for a moment. My lungs heaved graciously at the pressure of the air inside of me. I sighed as I released it and the front door opened as if from command.
I am in control, I tell myself and plaster a smile across my face.
I exclaim greetings cheerfully despite my heart thumping in my chest. People always do this to me.
New people, especially. But new clients?
Fuck.
Me.
My chest tightens but then softens at a familiar face; I’ve tattooed her before. Or someone in the shop has. Her face is familiar.
They sit down and we chat briefly. Pleasantries ensue. Will everyone be arriving soon? I definitely recommend it. They should be here soon- what time do you think? At least by 2 pm. Once I get started tattooing you and getting into the flow of things, I move fast.
I always had moved fast. In life. In tattooing. My life is stitched together by a series of events where I was thrown into the water. It was rough, and cold, but I was told to swim.
Can you make some changes? My heart drops. Sure can. Like what? Can we move the symbol here. And move the letters inside the hearts…Oh. Sure, no worries.
That’s a lie, there was worries.
I escape back to my corner, and slide the black folding chair under me. My heart quickens in my chest. I curse at it for being over dramatic.
It’s not necessarily the people that are the cause of my nervousness. It’s what they come with. I love people, I adore hearing stories and I enjoy letting people vent every once in a while. I love seeing the nerves, and the joy afterword. It fuels my dopamine. It’s gives me joy too.
But sometimes it gets heavy and then I too get pulled down. Negativity is an old friend. He rents space in my head sometimes.
I hear the door chime as two new voices pierce the air. I can hear it echo in my eardrums and I wince. They’re just excited. You’ll be okay. You can wear your headphones.
I never do that- wear my headphones. I remember the last time one of my own tattoo artists wore headphones it was a long, painful and lonely six hours. I wince again but this time, at the memory.
This is different, I remind myself. Swallowing another breath, I push back on my chair and cradle my iPad in my arms as I greet new faces
Except this time, I know these two. I tattooed one of them before. Yes, her mom came with her. I remember now. I relax slightly, just as she asks for a new design. I have it right here on my phone. How do I send it to you? My head turns slightly each way, hearing another conversation beside me. My heart quickens again and I gulp. Focus. It will be okay.
It’s just noise.
Another chime. The door opens. More voices, giddy and shrill. I greet the new faces and then panicked, rush back to my corner to draw.
I crop the photo and trace over the infinity symbol. My least favourite design, but the font for the word was cute. Simple. The awareness symbol was nestled in the opposite loop, breaking up the design in a clean way. It was kind of pretty.
I roll my eyes at myself before returning to the printer and then stride to the storage closet. My chest tightened as I reached for my headphones. Noise cancelling. Perfect for everywhere. My safety blanket. Play some classical music, zone out and be happier than a baby. Exactly. This will make me do my job better.
What if they don’t like it? Or find you ignorant?
I shook my head quickly at the thought. No. You got this. You will explain it too them. It’s okay, it’s just a disability.
I turn around and fill my chest with a full gulp of air, and hold my headphones gently in one hand. So I suffer with a noise sensitivity issue, but you guys will have nothing to worry about today. I brought my headphones and they are really good, and I’ll still check in with you. You guys can be as loud as you’d like.
Pause. Wait for the world to end because you just set a boundary. I pull my bottom lip in under my teeth and press down.
Sure. No problem! Okay! Phew. So who’s first?
My body relaxes as I seat my client, talk with them briefly during the stencil process. Are you ready? Let me know at anytime if you need to stop. Okay? Oh that’s not that bad. No, I smile, you get used to it quick. Soft music plays in one ear. My other ear faces a wall. It’s half covered by my cushioned headphones. I can hear the client softly through the part of my ear that’s uncovered.
I smile again. This is okay.
I can hear the client softly talking beyond the soft sounds embracing my skull. A few tattoos later, I’m tired but I’m not stressed. Or sad. Or overstimulated. I’m still me. Slowly my chest releases as I tattoo the next client, and the next.
My client sucks in a breathe and the noise is gentle. I smile weakly. I think this looks encouraging in my head, but for all I know I could look like a absolute twat.
At the end of the day, the deafening noise of voices and laughter calms. I slide the headphones off of my head an hour before the last client was tattooed. The group always get tired and quieter towards the end. I had forgotten that in my anxiety.
I’ve tattooed you two before, haven’t I? No- I don’t think so. Really? I could’ve sworn I met you and your mom. I remembered her voice. Loud and boisterous and full of joy, who could forget? No…I don’t think so. We’ve never been in here before.
I wince, remembering the false memory living in the front of my thoughts. I’m sorry, maybe I’ve dreamed it. I do that some times. I’ve had deja vu a lot with Hailey- remembering conversations I had in a dream. They look bewildered at me. I smile and refocus as Hailey chats with them. I wonder if they see the tarot cards on my shelf.
Thankyou so much for coming and hanging out with us today everyone, you guys were a really great group. Have a great evening. Drive safe!
Hailey, let’s lock up. The floor looks clean enough.
I sigh while I fling the garbage bag into the back of my car. I did good today. I didn’t lose my shit. I did decent tattoos. I could actually socialize even though it was a big group. I could wear my headphones, and it was okay. I was still good at my job.
Turning the key, the engine roars awake. My shoulders finally relax at the song on the radio.
I set a boundary today,
And I am happy for it.
NEEDLE&QUILL 
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