2024 is the year I stopped masking.

Who I am, what I love, how I think, how I speak.

Somewhere along this healing journey I dropped the mask and I didn’t even realize it until bad things started happening again

I live with a handful of disabilities.

Bipolar 2 with OCD compulsions. Crippling anxiety. ADHD. Fibromyalgia. Interstitial Cystitis.

I don’t often talk about it in the online space. Why would I when the vultures seem to be constantly watching? Waiting to attack at the nearest chance.

I thought I won my disabilities this year.

Beginning my year with my partner and I separating plunged me into a rigorous self care routine- work out, eat well, sleep well, meditate, therapy, journalling, repeat.

I was well because I had to be well- or else I knew I would crumble.

I had a fitness coach, a financial coach, and a business coach all at the same time.

The journey to self improvement need not be so intense, but intense is what I’m used to. I do have bipolar after all.

When my partner moved back in, I stayed rigorous in my routine.

There’s no doubt in my mind that my body is tired from all the chaos. I’ve let go of my intense schedule, and let myself relax back into a slower pace.

The mask fell away. I stim freely in my workspace- usually in the form of singing, or repeating sounds or noises. My team members usually just giggle and shake their heads.

I speak freely because I made a space designed for people to speak freely

My comfort with my symptoms and diagnoses is exactly what offended my last team member. I was too comfortable discussing my own illnesses, and overstepped speaking about theirs.

When they left, I sobbed for four days straight. Overanalyzing everything I said, or did, and judging myself cruelly.

Afterwards the mask went back on. In record time, I might add.

I’m trying to take it off but I think my illnesses are in the front seat still, making every attempt to sabotage my progress.

I’m moving to an off grid homestead with my partner. My dream.

Yet all I can think about is how I don’t deserve any of this success. Any of these amazing opportunities and progress that I’ve made.

So I’m going back to the start so I can find my way back to the light. How I coped with the loss of my love, and the journey he made back to me.

It all started with a single written word.

Here I am.

I’m not typical.

Hear me roar.