Practice over Perfection

I can come off as preachy when I speak about things I’m passionate about.

Like self care- this is a big one I remind my colleagues about.

“Your self care comes first.

Take a day off when you need to.

Start your day with a routine. End it with one too.”

I’m the first one to remind my apprentice to regulate her breath during a challenging tattoo.

I’m the first one to hold space for my assistant when she needs to vent before beginning her work.

Yet with myself it’s almost as if I’m walking a tight wire when I take care of myself.

Take care of the dogs. Take care of the house. Take care of others. Take care of yourself.

I hold only hold perfect balance for a few weeks at best, before fumbling and falling to my own death.

Self care is a practice, not a perfection.

Perfection can only be found in the divine.

Little old me- I’m just a human.

It stings when I fall off the tight wire and it seems this year has had the most falls, and repeated climbs.

I reached a point this year where I meditated once a day at the least, twice or three times most days.

Yet now, I can barely sit with the sound of my own thoughts.

In fact, my solitude has turned from sacred to painful. Like spending time with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Or with a boxer than keeps hitting you when you didn’t even sign up for the match to begin with.

The boxing match of life- I suppose I did sign up for this. I signed up for the changes that come with expanding my business. I signed up for the changes that come with offering coaching and programs. I signed up for the lifestyle shift of moving to a cabin in the country.

I have not and have never been complacent in this life- and they say that the higher power never gives us more than we can handle.

Expanding to hold all of my aspects- the good and the bad- I wish it came with a warning label.

Warning: Corrosive. Will burn through all of your past layers. Painful as fuck.

There’s no treatment for side effects of transformation, no pain killers to take to soften the process.

I just listened to a book called “The Surrender Experiment” by Micheal Singer. With every turn that life took, Micheal was able to commit to his strict daily spiritual practices and surrender to the flow that life captured him in.

I told my coach today that every time I tried to surrender to life’s flow, I keep feeling more and more disappointed with what life has to offer me and that felt absolutely selfish. With every shift and recent up level, I struggle with accepting that life is perfect as is.

New business? Not good enough.

New house? Don’t deserve it.

Like a horse with blinders on, I’m always seeking the next step. The next hurdle. My body loves to revert to survival mode, especially once I think I finally removed survival mode altogether.

Of course, survival mode will never fade completely. My mental illnesses never completely conquered.

My life may seem amazing to some, but to me I am never good enough.

One day I’ll be able to feel the feeling of blessed. That’s my goal at the end of the day- to help, and heal and live a life I’m proud of.

For now, I’m back to the drawing board- relearning how to sit with my silence, and how to hold peace within myself instead of self hate.

At the end of the day- I’m here on this earth for the practice of being human.